Et Tu, Mother's Day?

I have to buy so many of these. 

I have to buy so many of these. 

Every year around this time, I fantasize about having Mother's Day, Father's Day and Valentine's Day wiped from the calendar forever. In the spirit of such utter fantasy, I give you a conversation between myself and Mother's Day, which takes place while I am shopping for Mother's Day cards at Paper Source.

And, action:

"Mother's Day, is that you?"

"Damn, how'd you recognize me?"

"You reek of eggs benedict."

"You know I love me some brunch. Speaking of which, how many you going to this year?"

"Two, most likely."

"You're welcome."

"What are you doing here, anyway? Why are you moving those cards around?"

"I'm just managing the inventory. I have to make sure that by the time the forgetful get here, they have very slim pickings. They don’t deserve the good cards."

"Sweet of you."

"Just looking out for the mothers."

"Yeah, like you really care."

"I care deeply about all who contribute to my swelling net worth."

"You should have enough to retire by now."

"Retire? Never. Have you seen my Target displays? Twice the size of last year's. I am killing it. Look at this card! This one card is $12.95! $12.95!"

"Seriously? Is it made from a Torah?"

"You joke, but you better stock up, sister. I know you need a card for your mom, and your stepmom and your mother-in-law and your grandmother and sister-in-law and your sister and your aunt, and, um, am I forgetting anyone?"

"No, but I probably will."

"Just like last year."

"Don't be so smug. At least I don't have to buy as many gifts."

"Which is a mistake. They will totally read into it. If I were you I'd stock up on candles and fancy hand cream and coffee mugs with motivational sentiments."

"God I hate you, Mother's Day."

"You should. Women like you keep me living like Jay and Bey. I just bought a boat. Did I say boat? I meant yacht. It’s enormous. It's the size of Central America."

"Mazel tov. Why don't you go on a cruise to the island from Lost?"

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm trying to knock Valentine's Day out of second place."

"It'll never happen."

"I know. But a holiday can dream."

"There must be some way to shut you down."

"None. I am invincible. Once Hallmark got ahold of me, I spread like everyone thought Ebola would. After that, not even the woman who started Mother's Day could stop me. Anna Jarvis? Oh, she tried. For some reason she thought the commercialization sullied this fine celebration of mothers everywhere. Woman didn't understand commerce. Pickets, boycotts, threatening lawsuits, arrests, anguish, dying lonely and unfulfilled. It all worked out."

"For you."

"Exactly."

"Poor Anna Jarvis."

"And rich me."

"You're despicable."

"Most don't see it that way. Most people pay the appropriate homage."

"Don't you have somewhere to be?"

"Yes, actually. Me and Father's Day have a double date with Kanye and Kim. They want to discuss an appropriate Mother's Day gift from little North. I'm thinking a dolphin aquarium."

"Of course."

"OK, I am outta here. Enjoy your Mother's Day, darling. I'm sure the kids won't spill any coffee on your white duvet."

"I will never let our children buy Mother's Day cards! You won't ever get your hands on those boys!"

"Oh, yes I will. I always do. Ciao!"